Name: Matt Harrison
AKA: @mattyhazza, memph
Wants to play like: Zlatan
Actually plays like: Emile (someone has to
do it now Quaye has gone)
Previous Clubs: Bransty Strikers, Bransty Rangers, Workington Reds Reserves, Jesus-Waffle-Bike, Brescia Bearcats, University of Manchester, Didsbury Dynamos.
Best performance: Soldier Tom, lead role in 'The Tinderbox', Year 6, Bransty Primary School
Worst performance: Probably first attempted shag on mates bathroom floor. it was high-pressure sitch and I was fairly unsure of exactly what to do
Career Highlight: I literally got coached by Giggsy, Ole and GNev at Carrington
This is me and Ry. I'm touching him in the hope that greatness rubs off. Thats
not a euphamism.
This is me and Ole. Can you believe I'm almost half his age? He is so youthful.
Aims for the season: Being a forward, I suppose I should try and get my goal tally above 1
Trademark Skill: Flick-ons, make sure your gambling in behind
"Train insane or remain the same"
"First I went left, he did too. Then I went right, and he did too. Then I went left again, and he went to buy a hot dog.”
Zlatan on how to shake off Stephan Henchoz
Lifelong Ambition: To only work 6 months of the year, but get paid as though I've worked 12
Sponsored by: Pele
Best Looking: arse: Pav, abs: Pav, face: definantely not Pav (probably Kieran Mac)
Hardest: Jimmy Leights or Whiteley. No coincidence that they are both salesmen.
Most likely to: Take the warm up
Most skilful teammate: Mike 'the unassuming darleck' Corbs
Want to see on the team sheet: Corbs, takes on a lot of goal scoring responsibility and means I can concentrate on my 'trademark skill'
Favourite Fixture: MUSC, always tough, you earn anything you get from those games
Undervalued/Overvalued: Post-game showers/Andy Carroll
What the manager thinks:
- Matty Harrison once kicked a horse in the chin, its decendants are known today as giraffes
- Matty Harrison's list of fears:
What Jimmy thinks: "Its an absolute pleasure and not to mention an honour to have worked with Matt on the training ground. He makes me wish I could go back and do it all again" *
Name: Oliver Quaye
AKA: Ollie/Token/Great Man/Duane
Number: Whatever is left
Wants to play like: Emile Heskey
Actually plays like: Emile Heskey - job done!
Previous Clubs: Maths FC, Bessingby Park Rangers
Best performance: Vs. Davyhulme (only so we can show that clip again) 2 assists and would have been more if Spraggs wasn’t the walking dead from the night before
Worst performance: vs MUSC in the cup: came off the bench, got booked and had a penalty saved
Career Highlight: Perfect hat trick against the team with the ginger goalkeeper in our first pre season tournament
Aims for the season: To have a WAG to bring to the xmas do so I’m not forced to try it on with any team mates’ WAG’s a la John Terry.
Trademark Skill: Kick the ball and sprint after it… push over anyone that gets in my way
"It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am."
"The great fallacy is that the game is first and last about winning. It’s nothing of the kind. The game is about glory. It’s about doing things in style, with a flourish, about going out and beating the other lot, not waiting for them to die of boredom." -Danny Blanchflower
Lifelong Ambition: We urgently need a team masseuse… and I am happy to oversee the recruitment
Sponsored by: Chicken King Fallowfield - http://chickenkingonline.co.uk/
Best Looking: The squad is not exactly blessed with good looks but the majority have ‘great personalities’ to compensate. I guess if I had to choose it would probably be Pavol, he’s got that international heir of mystery surrounding him. And it’s 2012 after all…
Hardest: Aside from myself I wouldn’t tangle with Pete Cowley… I've heard primary school teachers can be pretty handy in a fight
Most likely to: Get booked for dissent even though I don't tolerate it when I referee!
Most skilful teammate: Jaffers hands down- textbook trapping of a beautiful woman. Matty came a close second… I salute you both
Want to see on the team sheet: Tom Spraggs- you haven’t lived until you play up front with a man still stinking of 5th ave and vomit from the night before
Favourite Fixture: The two Maths derbies. One ending in defeat (that meant nothing) and the other in a glorious cup final victory. #respectyourelders
Undervalued/Overvalued: Can you put a value on humour?
What the manager thinks: “We need Ollie in the team to meet diversity targets. Also, if he is playing or training with us, our girlfriends are relatively safe.”
What Jimmy thinks: Jimmy thinks my name is Mike. That’s the nicest thing any coach has ever said about me…
Name: John Battersby
AKA: JB / Batts / Marv / Janice / Timmy Trendy
Position: Attacking Centre Back / Left Forward
Wants to play like: Phil Jones
Actually plays like: Phil Babb
Previous Clubs: Maths FC, Heygarth Youth, Irby Juniors
Best performance: Vs. Lass O Gowrie, when the men stood up in the biting cold and put in a proper performance
Career Highlight: Receiving ‘Managers Player of the Year’ for 2010/11 season for the following reason:
“JB came to the very first league meeting”
Aims for the season: No own goals and top goal scorer amongst defenders
Trademark Skill: Hard to pick just the one.
1. Showing whoever is playing left wing how to actually take on the right back, by having natural pace!!
2. Hiding behind the opposite corner flag during corners in order to disguise my run to devastating effect.
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
AM: “Nick; you are the clubs 4th choice left back”
NE: “What’s my chances of getting a centre mid spot?”
Lifelong Ambition: Get AFCD into the first qualifying round of the FA Cup
Sponsored by: Abercrombie & Fitch – Bringing a bit of style to the club.
Worst Finisher: I would give it to MacHugh for his prowess in front of goal this season but having seen Quaye and Corbett’s penalties recently it’s a tough call…. Quaye every time
Best Looking: Dirk Hargreaves
Hardest: After witnessing us allow MUSC to do literally what they wanted all game and then rapidly launch in to congratulatory handshakes tells you all you need to know about how hard our team is!!
Most likely to: Walk to a cricket league meeting than get driven to a football one
Most skilful teammate: Has anyone seen Quaye on a night out lately?
Want to see on the team sheet: Dwayne – just one more cameo
Favourite Fixture: Parkway Dynamos – try to recreate ‘that’ moment when we realised we could play teams off the park
With me: P14 W14 D0 L0 Win Ratio: 100%
Without me: P5 W1 D1 L3 Win Ratio: 20%
What would Jamie Redknapp have to say about that stat?
What the manager thinks: Due to his rugged good looks, smashing personality and natural ability on the football pitch I am only left with ripping into his massively improving fashion sense!
What Jimmy thinks: Direct Quote: “You playing for your college team yet?”
Exclusive Interview with AFC Didsbury's Colin McDonald
As part of a recent attempt to seal a sponsorship agreement with Nivea, Colin was asked why he AFC Didsbury deserved to be picked to receive England coaching:
"Formed in 2010 by the young Adam Musson who's tactical awareness and almost arrogant coaching style added with his exceptional organisation and discipline that he seems to hold over of his men, AFC Didsbury seem to effortlessly emulate the playing styles of football that a young Musson saw whilst watching the great footballing sides of Madrid 60, brazil 70, Dutch 74, and more recently the all conquering Spanish side of 2010"
"AFC Didsbury like to start at the back, with typically uncompromising Italian Style Sunday league defenders but with more than a flavour of Dutch flair, comfortable on the ball and played from the back striding like giants and gliding like planes."
"We move to midfield, where AFCD adopt the 5 man, 3 attack, 1 support and 1 sit, which is almost impossible to counter control (as proven with Didsbury sitting comfortably top of their division in their first year with 2 games in hand, seven points clear with a record of 19 games played, 16 wins, 2 draws and 1 defeat (we all have off days).
"One spectator upon seeing this midfield said: "Words fail to do justice to the beauty with which this midfield knock the ball around.. this is futebol-art, they are blessed with intense creativity and have an ability to distribute the ball to maximum effect which is unparalleled to anything I have ever seen" there were reports that this was Alex Ferguson watching but these have been neither confirmed nor denied."
"Now to comment on our attack... with a paintbrush left and right foot, lending the ball either left or right to the attacking midfield and full backs, this really is the icing on the cake of a groundbreaking new team that will surely one day be added to the list of greats sides that we remember along with Xavi, Ineista and Messi’s Barcelona"
"So you say why do we deserve England coaching???"
"We say maybe you will learn something from us that you could pass on to capello and his boys!!"